Masculine Love

 

It. A horror movie that most of us are familiar with. But for me, it was so much more than that. “It” called out to longings in my heart…

No… I don’t want to eat children and feed on their fear.

But when a bunch of boys jump in a quarry, when they walk into the face of danger fighting side by side, when they simply bike down the road laughing with one another, something stirs deep within me. In the final scene, as they cut their hands and make a circle, vowing to vanquish the evil together should it raise its ugly head, I got a little emotional.

I want that.

I recently had lunch with a pastor in town. He said, “Brandon, you crave masculine love. I see it in your eyes when you’re hugged by a man, and it isn’t evil.”

Is it, though? For so long, I’ve had this thirst for masculine love, and all at once I love it and think it’s so wrong. When my guy friends hug me, it means so much, and then I immediately feel dirty for it meaning so much. One time a leader of a ministry in town said, “I feel like I’m just supposed to hold you for a bit.” He held me in his arms for ten minutes, and the whole time I both craved and despised it. I wanted to give myself to it, but I can’t. I can’t want this.

Somehow, if this means so much, it’s a sign that something is wrong within me, twisted within me, gay within me. So something I crave I feel I have to hate. And in doing so, hate that I crave it.

So something I crave I feel I have to hate. And in doing so, hate that I crave it.

It makes me question my motives. It makes me want to hide.

“If this guy knew how much it meant that we’re grabbing a beer and talking so candidly, he’d freak out and fear being around me. If this guy knew how much this hug means to me, he’d never hug me again. Keep cool. You don’t even need this, Brandon. Act like this doesn’t matter. Men don’t care too much about something. You’re overbearing. You’re needy. You’re twisted. Better not show it, because if you do, the men in your life will leave, and then you’ll be missing the very thing you crave… but don’t crave it too much, because then…”

And the circle continues.

I literally psychoanalyze every motive, movement, and word that leaves my mouth. They are passed through a test of, “Does this look gay? If you look gay, they’ll run.” It’s one of the reasons that having a boyfriend is so great. The tension breaks. I don’t have to fear being gay because this person appreciates that. I don’t have to live in on an emotional tight-rope anymore. I can just fall into a masculine love that meets so many parched and lonely places of my heart. The lonely places of sitting on the side of a school building, watching the boys be boys without me. The lonely place of feeling like I should have an older sibling or for someone to show me the way. The lonely place of having best friends that choose others over you. The lonely place of wanting to be held by a man and for it to not feel wrong.

It’s one of the reasons that having a boyfriend is so great. The tension breaks. I don’t have to fear being gay because that actually opens a door to everything I’m longing for. I don’t have to live on an emotional tightrope. I can just fall into a masculine love that meets so many parched and lonely places of my heart…

The lonely place of sitting on the side of a school building, watching the boys be boys without me.

The lonely place of feeling like I should have an older sibling or for someone to show me the way.

The lonely place of having best friends that choose others over you.

The lonely place of wanting to be held by a man and for it to not feel wrong.

So, while others have adrenaline coursing through their veins from the terror that is It, I’m breaking a little inside with a feeling of forlorn.

I wanna belong with someone. I want strong arms to hold me and for it to not be tainted. I want masculine love.

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